Lost... And Found!

March has been an eventful--and plentiful--month. I haven't written in awhile because I've been coasting along on a bumpy road the past few months. Though I regret none of the decisions I have recently made, decisions nonetheless come with a price. That price in my specific circumstances has been three months of unemployment, dwindling savings, and a constant low-level stress that stemmed from wondering how I'm ever going to get a job and have money again.

However, as they usually do, things have started to work out.

I went from zero leads on employment to four interviews, a job offer and a temp job offer in the span of a week. So yes, starting today (in about an hour), I officially become employed again. 

I will soon be moving into a new house that will provide me with more space--and therefore a better environment to keep my head space clean as well. Nothing like a good physical space to keep the head space clean.

I started the health insurance process, and was told yesterday that I am eligible for the Oregon Health Plan--free health insurance for a year! Never have I been a member of any social service, but when it comes to health insurance I'll take free over paying the $150 per month I'd otherwise have to pay.

I have found a lovely partner in crime in my life, and hope this relationship continues to develop and grow.

Spring has arrived--with the sunshine, green leaves and blooming flowers to prove it. 

I joined the ranks of the smart phone owners. Turns out, I was eligible for a free upgrade!

My Korean friend, whom I've also been tutoring, has offered to give me a bicycle for free. It was given to him for free and he already has one, so it's soon to be mine!

I've had an amazing string of visits--my two best friends from Eugene, one of my closest friends from my Korea days, and three others who I know from Korea have all passed through separately this month. I sure know a lot of great people :)

Ultimate frisbee starts soon--can't wait!

AND, I get to celebrate my birthday in a few weeks...

Life is looking up.

"When you travel towards your objective, be sure to pay attention to the path. The path teaches us the best way to arrive and enriches us while we are traveling along it."

--Paul Coelho

Thoreau Said It Best

"Not until we are lost do we begin to find ourselves."
   --Henry David Thoreau

For the second time, I've changed this blog's title.

Yesterday, I had my first gig with a temp agency. I sat at a desk--literally just a desk, no computer or anything--from 8am until 5pm and did almost nothing. The amount of work I did in those eight hours could have been condensed into about 30 minutes. However, I am NOT complaining. I was getting paid a whopping $12/hour to do it!

Needless to say, I had a lot of time alone in my brain. I was reflecting on my recent feelings of being lost--in multiple capacities--and somehow the phrase "the art of being lost" came to mind when I was thinking about how, if I were actually a writer and had the discipline to do so, I would write a book with that title. Maybe I will...?

It's no secret that I am feeling lost. But, like Thoreau said, I have no doubts that this state will only lead me to further clarity...

Embracing What Is

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all! 
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows, 
who violently sweep your house 
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be cleaning you out
For some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from the beyond.

~Rumi

I've always liked that Rumi poem; I thinkt he ability to embrace any emotion you feel at any given moment is an important feat and takes strength and courage. It's certainly not always easy.

This really hits home with me right now because I'm at a lower point than I recall having been in quite some time--if not ever. I don't like to admit it, but I have a lot of negative emotion floating around in my heard and mind right now and am fighting to keep the positive afloat. The majority of these feelings, I think, are coming from my transition back to life in the states and the daunting uncertainty of what kind of career I'd like to make for myself. Admittedly, I feel a bit lost.

Nothing like a little Rumi to add some perspective during a rough patch.

On Being True at 30

When I started this Portland blog, I had originally titled it "On Being True at Thirty." It seemed appropriate, given that this was the year I entered the fourth decade in my life and underwent a lot of change and transition into a supposedly more settled life in one place. I thought to myself "This is the year that marks my transition into the rest of my life" and other silly thoughts like that.

I quickly opted to change the title--and that mindset--because what I continually (and thankfully) realize is that life constantly throws you curve balls.

I'm usually pretty good about not feeling societal pressure to adapt my life to social norms put in place about where I should be, or what I should be doing at a certain time in my life. But, it's so prevalent, it's hard not to succumb every now and then! Luckily, I usually catch myself in time before really giving in.

In my early 20s, I thought I had found my career path. Gerontology. Who, at age 19, falls in love with working with older adults and spends six years of higher education investing her time, money and energy on the field of gerontology?! This girl did. And, coming back to Portland after spending five years doing mostly non-gerontology things, I thought I could just walk right back into the land of elders.

I searched high and low for jobs that might help me finagle my way back into the field. None of them really ever excited me that much, but I was prepared to work a so-so job just to get my foot in the door. A stepping stone of sorts. I had no idea what I actually wanted to do, but I assumed this was the right thing to do. The first job that came along was one that I enthusiastically took (who knew when the next offer might come along, after all). I thought I could do it.

Turns out, I was wrong.

Turns out, I need to be doing something that offers me some inspiration during my day. Something that fills my soul up a little and makes me feel like I did something valuable with those eight hours. Turns out, being a Staffing Coordinator is not that. And, although older adults and gerontology will always have a special place in my heart (and undoubtedly fill my soul and inspire me), I am having a hard time finding exactly where I fit in to the field and wonder whether I should be pursuing something closer related to what I've been doing the past few years with my life.

Anyways. 

All of this aside, age 30 has been one hell of a ride for me:

I said goodbye to South Korea after three years of calling it home. I left with countless memories of epic adventures and a heart full of fondness for some of the best friends I've ever had.

I traveled to seven countries with a boyfriend who I thought might someday turn into a life partner... And didn't.

I traveled to seven countries and got to spend my 30th birthday at 13,550 feet (4,130 meters) at the Annapurna Base Camp right in the middle of a 20-day trek through the Himalayas of Nepal (after reaching a high of nearly 18,000 feet), spent a night sleeping under the stars in the Indian desert only miles away from the Pakistan border, saw a wild tiger in the jungles of central India, kayaked down the muddy brown Ou River in Laos, indulged in fresh mangoes right off the tree in magical Angkor Wat, and ate bowls and bowls of noodles to my heart's content in Vietnam. Those are just a few of the highlights--I haven't even gotten to the adventures of plucking leeches off my feet, or being so sick that I missed a chance to visit the Taj Mahal.

I moved back to Oregon, a place I hold near and dear to my heart, but in which I've lived for only one year out of the past eight. I watched my brother get married to an amazing woman and spent time with my best friends' children after missing the first years of their lives.

I moved up to Portland from Eugene, a place I've always thought I could someday call home. I was lucky and found a great house to live in for my first two months and have maintained a friendship with the two women with whom I lived. I have experienced countless moments of content and awe and inspiration while living here, many of which occur while admiring the cityscape, walking down a neighborhood sidewalk observing people going about their daily lives, enjoying local nature, or admiring the quirkiness of Portland. I have maintained a great social life--having friends from multiple phases of my life and constantly making new ones. My soccer team and the classes I take at the gym give me necessary exercise and provide some entertainment on the side.

So why, then, have I hit a wall? Why, despite knowing that my decision to resign from my job was right and despite having so many wonderful people in my life, do I feel stuck and that my life is lacking purpose?

I don't like to admit it, because I'm one stubborn son-of-a-b****, but here are a few ideas (based on this article):

1. My 'honeymoon phase' of being back home is coming to a close. I came back when the weather was perfect and my brother was getting married. I enjoyed re-discovering Oregon and fantasized about all the amazing things I will get to do in future years now that I'm settled here.

2. I feel anything but settled--in my work, in my home, or in my life in general. I left the potential of getting my professional life settled after realizing that I couldn't be settled in a job like that, not even for another month. Finding a home in which to settle proves itself to be more difficult (and expensive) than expected here in Portland and not being able to create a space to call home is wearing on me. Socially, I am fortunate and have more than enough people to be with should I start to feel lonely; however, having only been here a few months, none of those relationships are of the nature that I had while abroad (i.e., degree of closeness--emotional and physical proximity).

3. Delayed manifestation of my feelings of loss and stress related to my transition from abroad was something I (naively) didn't expect. Though I never have to be alone here if I don't want to be, I've often felt lonely. Ironically, that's the complete opposite of my sentiments about independently traveling the world, where I often was alone, but never felt lonely. Once my 'honeymoon phase' wore off and I started the settling-in process here in Portland, I did start to mourn for my previous life and a number of times have had fleeting thoughts of going back.

4. I think I've forgotten how to date in the 'real world'. It's been so long since I've lived in a place that I plan to call home for the foreseeable future that, suddenly, my notion of dating as a long-distance and short-lived stage of life that happens in a smaller social network and where people just end up with the best person in that network because there are no other options, no longer makes sense and I don't know what to do with it. I have joined the ranks of online dating because I don't know how else to start. I have nothing but desire to find a life-long partner, but admittedly, starting that process at age 30 is a bit daunting.

5. I am, without a doubt, currently in this phase of feeling overwhelmed. I am tired. Tired of feeling in limbo, tired of not being settled, tired of the unknown. Every day I am doing my best to make the most of the day and remind myself of all the beauty and positives in my life. Most days, it's not too difficult and I smile and laugh to myself (literally!) that in some months, or a year from now, I will look back at these moments in my life and be proud for trudging through them to greater things. Some days are harder than others.

6. Who I was before going abroad, and who I am now, is in some ways two different people. At the root of me is the same person. But, who can argue against the notion that experiences shape us and who we are? When I think back to the endless number of experiences I've had in the past years--exhilarating, frustrating, empowering, thought-provoking, saddening, frightening, freeing--I am amazed with myself and what I've underwent and overcome. Taking your old self to a new place, and then bringing your new self to an old place is a strange and inexplicable phenomenon.

7. I've now been stateside for 5.5 months; I've been in Portland for just over three. Like most of us, I am my own worst enemy and am harder on myself than I could ever be on anyone else. Yes, I am struggling with the fact that I don't have my life sorted by now because I feel like it should be. Feelings of discouragement, fear and grief have certainly reared their ugly heads at me from time to time in the past few months and at times, are a force to be reckoned with. However, the beauty of all of this is that travel and my life abroad has made me resilient and given me the tools to deal with these feelings and the optimism to stop, take a moment, and realize (and know) that it's all going to be okay.

8. To a certain degree, I have been in a state of acceptance since I first stepped foot back on American soil. I wasn't entirely naive about what this transition might look and feel like. I knew it wouldn't be easy and I knew I would long for the life I had abroad, just as I longed for my life in Oregon while I was abroad. I think for me, the need for acceptance in my life comes with accepting the fact that I am in a state of transition and limbo, and that I don't know exactly what I want to do professionally anymore. After experiencing so much and having my eyes opened wide to a world that I never could have imagined on my own, how can I expect myself to fall right back into the path that I momentarily stepped away from before going abroad? 

9. It's difficult to integrate that "exotic" life I had abroad with the familiar life of being back home. Family and friends back home, no matter how curious and supportive they may be, can't fully understand where you are or where you've come from, just as I cannot fully understand the life or a home-owner, spouse, or parent. How to combine these lives enough to create a flow seems a difficult task; I suppose that's why this is listed as one of the last 'phases' from the article.

10. It will be nice to one day look around me and breathe a deep sigh of "aaahhhh, home." Though I dream of having that 'home' some day, I also hope to never let go of my desire to leave my comfort zone and continue to explore and experience the beautiful world around me. I might be going through a difficult time right now, but I wouldn't trade a second of the last five years of my life for a 'home' right now. 

The 10-10-10 Rule

This is why I call my parents in a time of distress:

I've been trying to get some temp work here, but it's been hard because if you're not available to answer the phone the second someone calls, the job is lost to the next eager worker. Finally, this afternoon, I was able to answer the phone and agreed to do a four-day job stretching from Friday to Monday.

And yes, after a few weeks of terrible weather (including a five-day stretch of rain that killed thousands of swallows), Friday to Sunday were supposed to bring nothing but sunshine and 70 degree weather. More than likely, this would have been the final weekend--or any day, really--of nice weather until next May. BUT, I was willing to sacrifice that for a few days of work and an extra $300 or so in cash.

That $300 in cash was particularly tempting because I'm looking at a house tonight that, if I like it, I would likely have to pay rent on for two weeks while simultaneously paying rent in my current house. That temp money would have taken care of that and made me feel better about the whole situation.

But...

Not fifteen minutes after I agreed to this job, I get a phone call asking me back for a second interview for a "real" job that I'd actually like to have and that would be permanent (and in my field!). Naturally, I had to say yes and henceforth call the temp agency and tell this lovely girl who's been trying to help me get work that I have to bail on the job. I feel bad and really could have used the money, but if this means I'm one step closer to getting a real job, then I'll make that sacrifice.

So what do I do the second all of this happens? I call mom, who informed me about the 10-10-10 Rule. Will it matter in ten minutes? Ten days? Ten years?

So, I asked myself "Will this $300 matter in ten minutes, ten days, or ten years?" Luckily for me, the answer is no.

Still counting myself lucky on a daily basis...

If My Life Were A Puzzle...

You know how when you start putting together a puzzle and you sort out all the end pieces, find the four corner pieces and slowly, bit by bit, start finding a match here, a match there... After a little time and effort you get all the edge pieces in place, but on the inside you just have little clumps of the puzzle put together and still a lot of solitary pieces floating around by themselves?

That's how my life feels right now. My edges are in place--by age 30 I know pretty well who I am, what I like, what gives me meaning in my life and all that existential stuff. I've got bits of my life sorted (i.e., the clumps of the puzzle that are in place)--I am living in the city where I want to live, I have some great friends here and in Eugene, I have my family nearby for the first time in seven years, I have my education and know the field in which I want to dedicate my professional life, I have a little bit of savings, a car and a cat... Yet, there are still so many of those little pieces floating around for which I have yet to find a matching piece (or four)...

I don't have a long-term residence in this beautiful city where I want to live I don't have a job in the field that I want to dedicate my professional life to. I don't even know what my dream job in that field is! I'm still learning the ropes of living in Portland and how I can best thrive here...

But, slowly, I am trying my hardest right now to get those pieces of the puzzle put together. I'm smack in the middle of it all--on the verge of a new house, on the verge of a new job, starting a new phase of my life...

Yup. If my life were a puzzle, it'd be anywhere but finished. Then again, I'm not sure I'd ever want it to be completely finished because what's the fun in that? No more room for change, or growth... I guess I'll see what I can do to make sure that last piece doesn't fall into place until my death. Then I'll know it was a good life.

Jacket Extraveganza

Though we had a brief break from the rain, it's officially come back more powerful than ever. I'm still on a high from the novelty of my move to Portland, so it's kind of exciting. I wonder how long that will last...

I went to REI the other day to check out the rain jackets. It's time to purchase a new one now that I'll be spending my winters ducking for cover from the rain rather than hiding my body under layer after layer to stay warm in the miserable cold. They had an ample supply of your standard jackets in every major brand. I tried on about four different jackets and decided I would come back in a few days after thinking about whether or not to make that purchase (I had $75 of dividend to spend so most of the jacket would be paid for anyway).

So upon my return to the store, turns out the rain had driven people in droves into REI--also to buy rain jackets. There were almost no size mediums. I got lucky and an employee found me one downstairs, but I've officially learned my lesson: If you need a new rain jacket in Portland, buy it by mid-September!